10 draft prospects, 10 scouting reports

Scouting in the NFL is an incredible process. Many people use film, metrics, interviews, etc. I approach things a bit differently. I feel like the best way to scout a player is to check his social media and pictures. Only then you may truly look into his soul and see what you are getting.

 

Name: Jared Goff

Position: Quarterback

Scouting Report: From a physical point of view, Jared Goff has everything you want in a QB. He’s a tall 6’4, a bulky 205 pounds, and he just has that football look about him. You see him and you can just imagine him saying “Yeah, I like to sling the rock and skateboard and I love when my mom buys pizza rolls.” But I’m afraid that’s all there is to him. First of all, he’s an idiot. Second of all, I can’t tell if he emotionally neglects his puppy or if his puppy is constantly thinking about how horrible his NFL career will be.

Pros

• He’ll likely get drafted by the Rams and become really popular because of this

Cons

• His coach will likely be Jeff Fisher, guaranteeing a 7-9 record.

Rating: Trash

 

Name: Carson Wentz

Position: Eagles Fan Life Ruiner

Scouting Report: I call this guy Carson Wince, because when I watch him play, can you guess what I do? This guy sucks. Typically, I don’t watch film to rate my prospects. I prefer to use their social media accounts to properly get a feel for their future success or lackof.

and well. Wow.

“Well hey, that was in 09! He was a teenager!” Ok. True. But I never thought about cutting off my dick as a teenager. Have you?

Pros

• Wanting to cut his dick off shows bravery
• Causes Ben Natan dread since he is Ben Natan

 

Cons

• This picture looks stupid. Carson Wentz looks like an idiot. Why are you wearing the ducks? What did the ducks do to you, man? Are you more passionate about destroying lives in the duck community over football?
• He sucks

Rating: Trash

Name: Joey Bosa

Position: Defensive End

Scouting Report: Bosa is an interesting prospect, and for a while, was considered the best pass rusher in the draft.

Pros

• Bosa has been linked to “party drug” rumors. Which explains this pic:

Cons

• Really awkward guy.
• Talks like he’s a hostage but he can’t tell the person he’s talking to that he is one or he’ll get shot.
• Makes posts like this:

I don’t have to explain much more.

Rating: Trash

Name: Myles Jack

Position: Linebacker

Scouting Report: Mylse Jack is a good player. He shows a lot of speed and athletcism for his size, and his insticts on the field are superb. Unfortunately, he’s actually an 80 year old man.

Pros

• Random nerds on draft twitter dislike him

Cons

• He belongs in a nursing home

Rating: Trash

Name: Ronnie Stanley

Position: Offensive Tackle

Scouting Report:

I…what?

Rating: Trash

Name: Vernon Hargreaves III

Position: Cornerback

Scouting Report: Vernon Hargreaves is often considered the 2nd best cornerback in the draft behind Jalen Ramsey. That’s not a knock, as Ramsey is a very good cornerback prospect.

Pros

• Is in a rap duo.

Cons

• Once got upset at someone for not inviting him to see “the minions movie,” showing his lack of judgment skills.
• Said he likes that the NFL passes more because it means he gets more chances to get burned. I appreciate that honesty.

Rating: Solid

Name: DeForest Buckner

Position: Defensive Lineman

Scouting Report: Was very productive his last year at Oregon.

Pros 

• Chops wood in his spare time, which is some suspect shit.
• Will have an easy transition if people ever decide to mic him up, since he’s already used to snitching and probably cooperating with police with a wiretap.

Cons

• Here’s a picture of DeForest Buckner where he appears to be snitching to the cops.

“It was him officer. He was the one who said you look like a poopface behind your back”

• Pete Prisco loves him, hurting his value.
• Going off of his name, he probably loves unregulated capitalism and air pollution.

Rating: Trash

Name: Laremy Tunsil

Position: Offensive Lineman

Scouting Report: Laremy Tunsil is big, strong, and probably the best offensive lineman in the draft.

Pros

• Possibly threw Robert Nkemdiche out of a window.

Cons

• Didn’t throw him out of a window a second time for snitching

Rating: Solid

Name: Ezekiel Elliott

Position: Running Back

Scouting Report: Ezekiel Elliot on film is often compared to Ladainian Tomlinson.

Pros

• Once demanded he get more carries, showing he’s all about himself and not with that teamwork bullshit
• The bottom half of his face kinda looks like Kanye West’s

Cons

• Linked to party drug rumors just like his roommate Bosa
•  

Rating: Trash

Name: Jalen Ramsey

Position: Cornerback

Scouting Report: Jalen Ramsey is very good on the field. While you’re watching him, it seems he’s always near the ball. Unfortunately, looking good on the field has nothing to do with future success. It’s all about random pics you find on the internet involving prospects.

Pros

• Once got suspended for being too rough in practice
• Said “I didn’t know the Rams loved me that much” when he heard about the Rams trading up to #1. Naive little bastard.

Cons

• As of right now, deactivated all of his social media. Coward. But possibly smart.
• Doesn’t have a lot of interceptions, which is the only stat that matters for cornerbacks if you’re in a barbershop
• Is often called a safety too. Can’t make up his mind smh.

Rating: Solid

 

That’s all for now. Hope your favorite team drafts one of these trash players!