Presidential Candidates as NFL Head Coaches

With primary season seriously heating up and the NFL offseason still really boring, it is incredibly important that the two are married into top notch content. It is almost guaranteed that while you are watching Ted Cruz making an ass out of himself on television, Bernie Sanders yelling incessantly, Donald Trump trying to be a Bond Villain and John Kasich be the human embodiment of beige, you’re thinking “Wow, which NFL coaches do these goobers compare to?”

Pretty awesome coincidence, since that’s what I am here to do.

(I know no one has wondered this, but shut up and read)

First up is the everyone’s favorite comic book character, Donald Trump. Trump, who was probably in some kind of Mussolini fan club when he was in high school, is a massive buffoon and a violent racist. He clamors to large groups of inbred fans that he longs for the days of old when “America wasn’t so damn politically correct”* (*He prefers minorities to have less rights). He is loud, vile, offensive and his ideologies do not belong in this country, let alone in this century.

So this loud mouth blowhard with archaic ideologies is obviously Rex Ryan. Ryan loves to talk about how great he and his defenses are, but the truth is his defenses haven’t been great in this decade and he hasn’t won shit in 15 years. So the only reason he is relevant is because he won’t shut up about himself and groups of delusional people still think he is some sort of genius. No Rex, dropping your best pass rusher into coverage will not make your defense great again.

Sticking with the Republicans for now, lets go with Ted Cruz, who was narrowly beat by Danny Devito to play The Penguin and has since vowed to be really fucking evil in real life instead. No one likes Cruz. Not Democrats. Not Republicans. Not even his own family. Yet somehow, he is still piling up votes in this election because people are terrified enough of Donald Trump that they are willing to vote for someone who is an even worse human being!

Only makes sense that Cruz is the GOP’s Jay Gruden. Sure, Jay may be doing pretty well, but that is only the rest of his division is in the shitter. Gruden is such a good offensive mind, that when he left Cincinnati, Andy Dalton got better! Since he has gotten to Washington, an organization whose slimy leadership is so fitting to this parallel, he completely screwed up the quarterback situation. Gruden favored former 4th round pick, Kirk Cousins, over the guy Washington traded three first round picks for and while it won them the division this passed season, Cousins’ mediocrity is going to command a high price tag on a low ceiling player. So, like Cruz, Gruden is a backwards thinking obstructionist who is narrow minded and loves to shoot himself in the foot. They are also both painfully unattractive.

Flipping to the Democrats, let’s talk about Hilary Clinton. Clinton has been in the politics game for what feels like centuries. She is a truly professional politician, knowing how to conform to the times and win over the hearts and minds of millions of supporters. Little does it matter that she might not believe a single word she says and the things she has actually done over her career have been more hurtful to this country than not, she is an experienced stalwart in our nations capitol and she is bound to get things done. Right?

Step on down Jeff Fisher! Year after year after year, every sports writer and their mother is ready to talk about how great that Jeff Fisher team will be next season. “He’s changed!” They say. “Once the offense clicks, it will go perfectly with Fisher’s stingy defense!” Every summer prediction column states. Yet, year after year, it is the same disappointment. It is the same Jeff Fisher. However, people love him! He has been in the game for decades, so he has to be great! Right? Guys? Never mind that his teams haven’t done anything since Vince Young was in at quarterback, but of course Fisher ousted Young because he couldn’t deal with “strong personalities”. So, Jeff Fisher will probably be in St. Louis for another 4 years at least, just like Clinton will probably end up being our president. He will have a big win against a league juggernaut one week to get everyones hopes up, only to lose to the Jaguars the very next Sunday. Four more years of 8-8 and probably with another Clinton as the president as well.

Oh, John Kasich. The “adult” of the GOP primaries, sitting at the kids table while Donnie and Teddy throw food and boogers at each other. It’s funny, because Cruz and Trump are so bad, that the rest of the country is actually somewhat convinced that Kasich is a good politician. Kasich may be the adult at the kids table this year, but the dude still eats with his hands. Not only did Kasich codify the killing of a child by the police in his state, he has been working his entire tenure as governor to disenfranchise the lower class Ohioans. He’s raised taxes on the poor, severely reduced funding to inner city schools and made healthcare very expensive in his state. On top of all of that, he removed funding from Planned Parenthood, which provides affordable and accessible health care to families across the country. So, yeah… Kasich Sucks.

Kasich’s image is elevated by his situation though, not unlike Mike Mularkey down in Tennessee. After stepping in as interim coach for one of the worst coaches in NFL history, Ken Whisenhunt, Mularkey was handed the head coaching job after the season ended. That’s right, Ken Whisenhunt was so awful, that Mike Mularkey seemed palatable to the Titans leadership. Of course, Mularkey now has the bright future of the Titans young quarterback in his hands, which he will inevitably fuck up. However, Mularkey is taking over for Ken Whisenhunt *and* he is coaching in the same division as Gus Bradley and Chuck Pagano, so people might underestimate just how bad he will be for Tennessee. Just like people don’t realize how bad Kasich would be for America.

The most polarizing person of the election, surprisingly, is the little old man from Vermont, Bernie Sanders. Sanders might be an old codger, but he is fiery and not afraid to speak his mind on what he finds problematic. His economic views have people on both sides of the aisle pretty terrified, but his revolutionary idealism and social progressiveness have many young people falling head over heals over the prospect of getting elected. He is far from a perfect candidate, but his ability to act with people first in mind and also relate to the plight of younger generations is exciting.

Now, Sanders may not have the hardware that Pete Carroll does, but he definitely plays the cool grandpa thing just as well. Carroll is a great coach, but he also seems to genuinely connect with his team on a level most coaches do not. On top of that, he is definitely a bit out of left field in terms of his views on life (and politics). Also, like Sanders, Carroll and his Seahawks have large swaths of rabid and obnoxious fans that make the rest of the NFL community hate everyone and everything Seahawks related.